Could Have Been

As I sit here this morning, my mind & heart are in a totally different place than yesterday. Welcome to my depression. But there’s this thing about my depression…certain people & things trigger it. Money is a major trigger. It sucks too, I’m doing everything I can to overcome this financial situation I’ve been stuck in for over a year now. Do you know I haven’t went & done a normal grocery shopping trip since I’ve been single? On my own, with my own money. At most I spend $20-$30 every two weeks to eat off of like hot dogs, corn dogs, etc. Just simple cheap shit. Once in awhile I’ll get some cheap meat because I just feel like my body needs it, I crave it.

If men weren’t such cheating pigs & assholes….they’d still have me. I’m not the greatest woman out there but by God I’m pretty amazing all by myself. But other women, strange pussy is far more important than I am. I ain’t no slack in the bed, kitchen, working, yard work, etc., so why is it that men can’t stop fucking everything that will spread their legs? And I mean they will fuck the ugliest women when they have a goddess at home, why? Immaturity? Mental issues? Just a flat out whore? It pisses me off that because of these men I cannot trust a damn soul out there. I’ll never be able to have a normal relationship with a man simply because I can’t trust.

Could have been……a great relationship with me but they won’t stop cheating, hiding porn, flirting behind my back until it becomes fucking. Nothing but lies over & over, and they can’t even hold their lies straight on their little stories. There ain’t nothing I ain’t been through with a relationship so fooling me isn’t going to do them any good. I will be quite to a certain point before I unload on them. I’ve dealt with these issues with relationships since I was 18 years old. Not saying I was the perfect wife or girlfriend. I too messed up on occasion to get revenge but hey at some point you get tired of being fucked over. Right now I could give someone everything they ever wanted in a woman because I’m tired of being alone & tired of being played but they don’t want that. I want a relationship that I don’t have to worry about cheating all the time. They only want you to be faithful while they play. Some may think they’re really good players but I got news for ya, I’ve been played enough to the point where I can top their ass & I don’t even have to sleep with everyone to know the game. I already know the game, the lies, the actions, the cell phone issues–tilting it sideways just enough so I can’t make it out, laying it face down, never able to go through it or even touch it, & so many more…

I’m done, I’m just so done with all of it. I’m too good of a woman to be treated like that, which is why I am single. No one deserves to fall asleep at night wondering why their self, their love making, their pussy ain’t good enough. Men don’t get it or they don’t care how it makes you feel & I believe the only way they will ever understand it is IF they fall in love with someone & that someone cheats on them like hell…..only then will they understand just how horrible it really makes someone feel. I’ve been so angry at this that I seriously considered making different men fall in love with me & then just destroy them. I was in a very dark place when I wanted to do that, I wanted to pay it back to them. But even in a dark place in my life my heart was still too big to ever do something so devastating to anyone. But can’t blame me for wanting revenge.

I’m in the place in my life because of men BUT I allowed it…. I let them use me because I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be wanted in such a way that I dealt with just whatever. I’m a damn strong woman but this topic is beating the hell out of me. I guess if they cheat, do things behind my back, hide that phone from me, they never loved me in the first place. I was convenient for them. It hurts like hell to know that I’m not good enough to keep a mans eyes & dick only on me. I don’t know if men are even out there that would be faithful to be honest because I watched my mom go through it & I’ve dealt with it, not to mention all the people I’ve seen it happen to as well. I know women cheat to but it’s less likely for the woman to cheat without giving her a solid reason to.

Do I have sex? Yes, on occasion, I’m single I still want sex but I don’t need sex, I can take care of myself. Do I see other men that I’d love to jump in bed with? Yes, but I don’t. Sex isn’t just what I want. I can get anyone to have sex with me & I can get it anytime I want it -I’m female- but I don’t want it from everyone. Am I hit on a lot? Yes!, my phone blows up everyday all day long. It’s not even flattering anymore to me because they don’t see me, they just see a piece of pussy to put under their belt, my feelings or my self would never be considered. Have I ever thought that one of those guys I ignore could be a good guy? Yes I do. The bad have ruined it for the few good guys that might be out there, I’m not even sure if there is really. Hell I get hit on by women too but I ignore them as well, why would I want my attitude around me 24/7…get it?

I want out of this financial nightmare I’m in so bad. I even thought about being a stripper hahaha but I don’t think my lil boobs will bring me a lot of money in lol. But if I thought for a second they would, I’d be working in Atlanta lol. I could pay all debts off & get me a nice house & ride within 6 months of doing that kinda job. For one, I can dance. For two, I’m sensual & sexual, & I love sex related anything. But what would my kids & grand kid on the way think of me? lol. Plus I’m not in my twenties anymore but at the same time I don’t act like I’m 41 either, some say I don’t look it but I don’t know.

Okay I guess I will quit ranting now, had to get it off my chest. Have a great day everyone!

Love, Lori

 

 

 

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Good Morning

Some days you wake up and realize how blessed you are. Sometimes through the heavy fog of troubles we tend to forget how blessed we are or our attention is solely focused on troubles.

Removing toxic people out of our lives is so refreshing. I didn’t realize just how peaceful it would be. I’m not going to keep talking about the crap I’ve been dealing with at my job but I wanted to say this: Found out people are not believing for one second that I started any rumors about this girl. They know she’s lying and they know how she is (people see it for themselves) and know she’s nothing but trouble. I remained calm through it and I still am, I’m not a child and I refuse to contribute to her or anyone else’s lies or attitudes. I know who I am and I don’t need attention from tons of people to prove my worth. Some women think they’re untouchable on their high horse but I got news for you…evil doesn’t win…ever. How you treat others will always come back on you, and even worse than what you dished out to someone.

Anyway, that’s absolutely enough of wasting my time on that topic. I just wanted to end it by sharing that if you’re a true hearted person and you remain true, you will come out on top and triumph over the evil ones that come against you. People know and can sense who’s true or not.

I’m going to try and take some new pictures of something today or tomorrow for my new blog. I’ve always loved taking pictures as a hobby. I have tons of them lol.

All I can think right now is just how much of a relief it is not having to deal with toxic people, I’m so relaxed!

I hope y’all have a wonderful day! Remember……Removing toxic people=Happiness!

Love, Lori

Misunderstood

I really should be sleeping instead of writing. My heart is heavy and there’s nothing I can do about it except to just let it go. I hate losing people but I really hate losing someone based on rumors and never really discussing the actual problems. We clicked but people said shit to us both and those rumors ruined our friendship. Lesson learned I reckon, don’t listen to gossipers huh? I tend to want to act on social media like say what I’m feeling but a really good friend of mine keeps me in check on that. It’s drama and I despise drama. It’s just when I get hurt I either shut down or go all out mouthing, there is no in between.

I’ve been sitting here on my bed staring at the walls and just thinking, thinking hard. Thinking about how stuff has caused me to lose myself yet again. I cried, I cried hard because that isn’t me to be so bitter (a word I hate) or so fucking unhappy all the time. I’m trying to speak as adult like as I can because the childish drama stuff is over and it’s done. I no longer wish to be what it tried to make me out to be, a boring, bitter, rude ass bitch. Problems didn’t exactly take full control of my life but they were well on their way. I listened and reread my good friends messages over and over and also some girlfriends messages as well. I do take things a bit to serious I guess and some will never understand why I do. It’s not right for me to take things like that but I have just reasons to. I’m human and I’m a female (which fucks me up emotionally everyday lol). I tend to wear my heart on my shoulder along with my problems and they eat at me until I snap my shit.

I can’t force anyone to believe I’m honest or even faithful and vice versa. All I know is to just keep being myself…my goofy fun loving self…and not worry who comes and goes. If they leave, well it’s gonna hurt but I can’t make them stay. The only way to prove my honesty and faithfulness and worth is to just be Lori.

I kinda lost sight of working on my goals and building my empire so to speak. I think a good cry done me some good, I really do. I don’t cry all the time like I used to, it’s rare now. I’ll tear up ever now and then but not full blown laying in the floor like a baby. But I want to get back on track with everything I’ve been working on. While I was thinking I realized I hadn’t even wrote anything to do with the sexual stories lol. I’m not even sure if I will continue those actually, brings in a lot of negativity from males and it’s irritating.

But besides all that I’m 41 and I’m full of life. People used to ask me, ‘Are you sure you’re in your forties?’ Haha. I love that. I don’t do anything most people my age do. Hell I have a killer sound system in my pickup truck that young ones would have and I will crank it up loud and be bumping all day lol. I don’t have a set bedtime or even a routine, I just do whatever I feel basically. Yes I’m single-ish, but one thing I will stand for is I won’t sleep around, the guilt would eat me alive and I’d say you could probably see the guilt on my face lol. There’s some nights all I do is dance around in the kitchen putting on my own little concert and show. I love being ‘that’ me and I’m happier as well.

Well I need sleep, I gotta work in the am. I just needed to write out what I’m feeling, I was tossing and turning. Good night y’all.

Love, Lori 

New Start..I think yes!

You know what? A new start sounds like a great damn idea. I’m serious. I’m so tired of the same ole thing. Not real sure what all I’m going to do but I’m going to reach out and grab it. Blogging is great, I love it. I want more exciting adventurous things going on in my life too. The same ole boring job with awful people is well..enough. I’m over it. I need true people in my life as well.

I ain’t getting any younger. My heart is restless and wants to run wild.

My goal is to write, just write and travel. I have such a passion for it. Just visiting local places I get a slight rush from it. From lakes to mountains or even parks I get such enjoyment from being there taking it all in. Just watch, one day I’ll disappear off in my dream to run wild and travel. Can’t wait.

It’s getting closer for my grandson to be born and I’m just so excited about him! Happy for my son and his wife too. Me and my sons have our little quirks like anybody but I love them with all my heart and would die to save them. They are my life.

A few of you might have seen a post I put up earlier but it’s been removed. I wrote about the junk and lies going on about me at my job. I just didn’t want that trash on my blog. I’m innocent so I don’t care what people say, I know the truth and I even know who the ‘firestarter’ is but I’m not a rat so I’ll never tell. Unless that person steps up and adults up I guess that means I have to take the rap for her huh?…Damn. I’m supposedly spreading rumors and lying about one certain girl which isn’t true. She causes her drama on her own and gets upset when people react negatively, then people start talking and so on, you know how it goes. Rumors. I’m being blasted on facebook right now as a liar and saying I talk trash about her to the whole company. She even says I’m doing it because I’m jealous of her…..hahahaha!!! Oh my damn I laughed my ass off when I read that, had to stop myself from commenting with laughing emojis! Lol. 😂🤣!!! I’m not real sure just what I’m supposed to be jealous of lol. I wouldn’t want her life, why would I? I guess that’s what they say when they ain’t got much of nothing else to say huh? Lol. I love myself and I love my own crazy life, I have two awesome sons and a few great ‘real’ friends outside of work. I don’t want someone else’s dull life instead haha and damn sure don’t want people looking at me and talking about me like they do her. Hoping for a job elsewhere. I’ve never seen such nonsense at any job like I have with this one.

Anyway that’s enough of talk about the little childrens corner at work lol. So pathetic 🙄.

I’m getting up early this morning (it’s after midnight already lol), and I’m going for a good run after exercising. Then I’ll hit the shower and do some cleaning at home. Probably write or read the rest of the day…probably be a nap in there somewhere. Why am I telling you about my day?….I have no idea lol. I’ll blame it on being sleepy.

Okay I’m out, I done dozed off and dropped my phone lol.

Love ya, Lori

Good afternoon!

My last day off before a long weekend to work at a miserable job. I guess it’s a job, thankful I’m employed but that is it….

I’m being my weird self today. Nothing on in the house, just listening to natures music and staring out the window at the trees lol. It’s relaxing in a sense. Better than bs.

I am loving blogging! One of the best things I’ve gotten into. Eases my mind sometimes and keeps me from going crazy on some people bahahaha.

I started a photo journal blog last night. I think I’m going to really like that one too. I love taking pictures!

Well that’s about all I had to say lol. Just trying to take it easy today and relax.

From my last post….if your’re feeling like me and feel unwanted, unattractive, etc. Just take a deep breathe and say ‘fuck that‘ and get your mind off of it. No one deserves to feel so damn unwanted.

Ttyl!….. Lori

Off in my own little world..

I’ve been pretty quite for a few days. At home, work, and online. Sometimes I just need to get away. Sometimes when your’re quite you learn a lot too. I’m not saying anyone doesn’t care about me but only those that do will notice I’m quite and something is wrong. Others just don’t give a shit which means they didn’t care in the first place. But sometimes going through stuff shows you who is really there for you.

Not being quite for attention LOL in case you thought that. To me it’s, I get wrapped up in things and people thinking I mean something then get smacked in the face realizing I don’t, so I take a step back to shake it off. May be confusing to you but it makes perfect sense to me. I don’t want to be somewhere I shouldn’t be and I don’t want to be around people that don’t really want me around. I will not force anything or anyone to have something to do with me.

I think since I’ve been single I attach to those people I do have more than anyone else. And it causes me to think I’m something special when in reality I’m no different than anybody else. I know, it sounds like a pity party lol but it’s not. I just only want those around me that WANT to be around me and have the things that’s meant for me. Why? Because I have had enough fake relationships no matter what the relationship is that are fake as can be and I’ve had enough of all the hell life throws at me. Honestly I think sometimes God wants me to be alone to find peace on my own and not in people or things. Then again it could be that there’s just really that many assholes out there and I’m a broke individual hahaha!

So what do I do about it all?….(me shrugging my shoulders & rolling my eyes)…I dunno…lol. 🤔🙄😂

Somehow things will get better. I think a good start would be to find another job….period. I absolutely despise the one I have and it just makes everything suck. When you go unappreciated for so long, you just stop giving a damn. The biggest reason I haven’t found another job is because there ain’t nothing much other than the kind of job I’m doing out there that pays somewhat decent. If I hate what I’m doing, I’m damn sure not going to work elsewhere doing the same frigging thing.

I’ve sat around long enough feeling like I don’t matter and ain’t good enough. Regardless if I still feel that way, I’m gonna attempt to ignore it. Don’t like me? Leave. Don’t want me? Leave. I ain’t enough? Leave. I don’t care anymore, I’ve lost so many people since I went from having everything to barely eating over the past year & a half that I could care less. Like I said it shows you who is really there for you and apparently I need to choose better people.

I may not have much going for me at the moment but someday someone will love everything about me that others take for granted and will never let me go. Just the way I am will be enough to keep just one persons attention on me and only me, no secrets, no lies, no cheating no more, no mind games ever again.

No I don’t search at all. All anybody is really looking for is ‘situationships’ not relationships. And omg apparently social media is nothing other than hooking up, makes me sick. I myself can’t hardly post anything without someone commenting something about how I need them or my messenger will blow up as soon as they see a post. I ain’t nobody’s damn baby-they don’t pay my bills! I tried yesterday to share shit and interact but within no time there went the messages and then I see shit on my wall that makes my blood boil. Tired of it. Me-angry?…nope, more like fed up.

Alright, I’m gonna hush before I say more junk I shouldn’t.

Lori

Good Monday Morning

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Not so good for me this morning…I’ve been up and down half the night with a bad headache and sick at my stomach, I’m guessing the headache was making me sick. So I’m not at work which sucks, another set back. There’s just no way I could leave the house right now, I barely made it back and forth to the bathroom all night lol. It’s funny how I hardly ever get a head cold but I’ll get headaches straight from hell with stomach problems. Ugh…. Hopefully I’ll start feeling better soon and shake this off.

Basically I just wanted to share some sayings that speak to me or about me today. I’m thinking of making a post with some favorite memes but it may make a huge post haha. I’m not sure if that would be a good post or not. It’s just that sometimes those memes can say what you need to hear or say what you need to say. I love memes. I downloaded an app where you can make your own memes and it’s pretty cool. You just pick a background and say what’s on your heart or mind, and the app puts it together and saves it so you can send or share to wherever.

Something that is on my heart….several people uplift me but what they don’t understand is they don’t really know me. I’m just me, I’m not anything above that and my ‘me’ is apparently not good enough. And the reason I say that is because if I was good enough, every man that was mine at one time would have kept me………..would have done anything to never lose me, would not have cheated on me or mistreated me or fed me nothing but lies if I was something so special. I don’t consider myself all that great anymore. Not being a debbie downer just speaking the truth of how I feel.

I read something somewhere about how other people see you totally different than how you view yourself. Confuses me. I stood in front of the mirror the other day without makeup on and without my hair all fixed up. All I see is a woman who looks stressed and is aging. I don’t see the cute spunky girl I used to see anymore. I examined myself from head to toe. I said out loud everything I see that’s ugly. Sunspots from tanning. Wrinkles from worrying. Ugly bad teeth from a gum thing the dentist said would end my teeth. Too skinny. Chest and butt not built, not much there. Frizzy hair when not tamed. Chubby belly. Just out of shape/tone. What I don’t get…is all of that is what I have going for me and yet people still say I’m beautiful. I do not see it. Why don’t I see it??? Do any of you ever feel like this?

The only thing I feel that is good about me is I will not cheat. I will not steal. I will not use someone. I don’t lie on people. I may call some out on their shit because I have no filter and absolutely no tolerance for BS and lies.

So now I’m trying to figure out how to stop feeling this way and maybe I can see whatever the hell others are seeing. I just don’t feel like I’m good enough, pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough and so on to turn heads or for someone to really be into me. I’m NOT looking for sympathy, I’m looking for answers and understanding. I know I’ve been depressed and that’s probably took a toll on how I feel.

I actually have been on the other end of this. I’ve told people how great they are and they rejected the compliments just like I’m doing now, and I didn’t understand then why they didn’t see what I seen in them. It boggles my poor mind. I need to quit thinking so much lol.

Favorite Sayings: (some)

*I don’t claim these as mine, not sure who authors are*

‘My soul is stained by everyone who recklessly spilled their contents’

‘The ones who love you will never leave you’

‘When you date a real man you get,”Let’s go, lets do it” instead of…”You didn’t text me first and I was busy”……..

‘Nothing is nicer than having someone who appreciates you in the smallest things’

‘Never put them first if you always come last’

‘You can’t love someone into loving you’

‘If someone treats you like an option, narrow their choices by removing yourself’

‘Some people will go to great lengths to gain your trust just so they can turn around and play you’

‘People make time for who they want to make time for…period’

‘Guys are like bras, they hook up behind your back’

‘Gut feelings do not lie, if you think you’re being done wrong, you probably are’

Anyway, that’s just some of them. I have tons more lol. I wish I had the money to take a drive if I ever get rid of this headache. I hate a damn headache with a passion. Makes it hard to stare at computer and write to and that’s all I want to do.

Well I’m fixing to eat what I had fixed for my lunch for work. Since I couldn’t go to work there ain’t no sense in it being wasted lol. Maybe with food and medicine and a nap it’ll ease off my headache….I hope!

Have a great day!!!!

Lori