Uplifted with Love

Good cold frigging morning lol! I’m freezing to death this morning geez.

I normally don’t write about personal conversations between me & my sons but my youngest was so uplifting last night in our conversation.

He knows I’m depressed & he had came over late last night. He sat on the foot of my bed & proceeded to tell me that he knew a few years back that I was already depressed. He said he didn’t know how many times he passed my room & could here me crying. Time after time. That was back when I was still married to his dad & after my mom had passed away.

He gave me examples of how much stronger I was then. That I cried BUT I didn’t lay down & quit. He said mom, anytime you’ve ever wanted something, you used to have so much stamina & will power that you accomplished anything. That I didn’t let nothing defeat me.

One example was there was an half a acre of land that I wanted cleared. He said mom, you wanted it cleared & you did just that, you cleared it. I spent week after week using only hand clippers & a sawsall until the acre was deemed mowable. It was hard, it was so freaking hot, & my kids helped me. I kept pushing & they stuck with me by my side. Every day I could spend on it, I did just that until it was done. Project after project, problems, etc. Whatever it was I fought it all with everything I had & wouldn’t give up. I want that woman back!

His point was that I used to never give up on anything…….nothing. And he’s right. While he was telling me that I actually seen the fighter I used to be, I flashed back, it scared me because it made me realize just how weak I’ve become. And just how much I’ve allowed everything & everyone to get at me to the point I can’t get out of bed everyday.

If I had the same strength now as I did then, all that shit at my yarn mill job would’ve been handled immediately. The old me would have bitch slapped the hell out of the problem & ended it! She wouldn’t have ever ran that shit eater again, I guarantee it. But I just kept my mouth shut allowing a childish adult to make me look like a fool. I’ve never allowed anyone to run over me…everrrrr. Financial problems…Ha, I would’ve worked 3 jobs to get things took care of then. Anything I wanted, I went out & got it! I didn’t depend on nobody to do it for me. I wanted good credit & I busted my ass to get it. Yes I lost it all now but I swear I’m gonna fight to get ME back! That’s what matters!

My sons words were on my mind when I woke up this morning. I intend to get back to that independent, strong willed, one hell of a right hook fighter! I want myself back! I’m so glad that someone cared enough to talk to me like that.

Looking my son in the eye listening to him basically telling me how awesome I was at being strong was bitter sweet, because I’ve laid down to die with the depression. I’ve become weak. Not for much longer though, that’s all I needed….was love shown to me like that. I don’t need those fake people just those that truly care & love me.

I love my sons, they’re my world!

Lori

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Hey, a little venting lol

Good morning! I guess I’m in lazy mode this morning because I can’t get with it for nothing lol. Sitting here staring out the window wishing it was summer, I’m not fond of winter at all. Just don’t like it….ha.

Well I know I write a bunch of sad shit but I’m not apologizing for it. It helps me to let some of it out & I don’t have anyone around me to talk to all the time. So I’m consumed with my thoughts & quiet frankly they are driving me nuts!!!! hahaha. 

I have got to stay off of the social media more, that nonsense is ridiculous. Most of it ain’t nothing but hooking up, everybody sleeping with everybody, disgusting. And heaven forbid if a girl likes a guys a new profile pic….he’s all up in the inbox thinking you want him. Like ‘Heather Land’ says….”I ain’t doing it”. I won’t anymore, not unless I know them. I guess the women act that way too. I don’t think that way. I see the likes on my stuff & all the comments but I’m not in anyone’s inbox. That & there is a huge majority of men(on my friends list) that all have the same women friends. If I go & just simply pick one to check out (one of the girls I’m not friends with), all the same guys are liking all her stuff & commenting the same shit. I’m also guessing they’re are sending good morning & night messages to them as well, asking if they’re okay, if they need a friend to talk too, happy birthdays, that was a good or funny post, I can relate to you, you’re so beautiful, do I know you?, I can’t stop staring at your picture, let me take you out for supper/lunch/breakfast, etc……………………………..Need I say more. It’s very bothersome to know that you can’t trust or believe any of them. They’re more than likely doing every woman that way in hopes that one or two will respond & take them up on an offer just so they can have a funbuddy or two or more………Just saying, nothing but the truth. It’s untelling how much sexting goes on between them all. I’m sure this post will piss them off but sorry it’s very close to the truth. Face it.

Okay so anyway, I got carried away there lol. I just hate how it works & I will not date anyone else from the social media sex world.

I have decided that after the first of the year & after my grandson is born of course, I’m not going to miss that. I’m going to take myself on a little getaway somewhere. I know where I’m headed but I’m not telling anyone until after I’m there or after I get back. I need a break real bad. I have been through hell the past couple of years & I haven’t slowed down. I got to get away & just take care of me.

I spent the last two days, especially yesterday dealing with an episode of depression. It seems to still want to play today but I don’t! I keep shaking it off & making myself get out of bed & just simply walk through my house. I can’t keep allowing this shit to overtake me, it’s crazy,

It would be nice though to know I was cared for. I don’t see or hear much but that’s okay I’m used to it. I always give too much of myself to people that don’t respect me. I always care or love them too much as well. My downfall I guess. I know losing some people is a blessing. But honestly I think..no..I know that some have regretted it, losing me. I’m not a bad person, but they’ll fuck around & lose my ass before they realize I was already gone while they forgot me, screwed me over, fucked around behind my back. Then they all of a sudden want me back because they thought they had me like that. Thinking they’ll get a good girl & sleep with the whores on the side. Thought I’d always just be hanging on. When I’m done……I’m done.

Okay I vented for the day haha. Men just piss me off & make me sick to my stomach with all the lies. But I’ll shut up for the moment anyway.

Have a wonderful day! If you can after reading this mess LOL!!!

Lori

 

Do we really know who we are?

Lost, finding ourselves, confused, real or fake ???

Do we though, do we really know who we are? Do any of us know what we really want? Or maybe who we want?

I tried to go to sleep but I kept tossing & turning for hours. Getting up to pee, to eat, to stare at Facebook, even staring at the walls in silence. I have no idea really what I’m feeling. I even wondered am I really depressed? Is this just another stage of mental process/growing I’m going through & it’s just easier to say I’m depressed? I’m really serious here people. What is this? Or is this what depression does to your thinking?

I do things I’m not so proud of. I do things only I know of that I’m not so proud of, I have to do whatever I can to eat & such. Things I’ve never considered before. Sometimes I wish I could undo some things, un-meet some people, & change things around. But I can’t. I can’t undo what’s been done nor can I be the person I used to be. I can only be who I am right now in this moment. PAIN has changed me a great deal. I wish I had someone that would just sit with me, hold me, & say lets just talk this junk out & really want to listen & help me. But I don’t. Time to spend on just me. Everyone is too busy. I’m not talking about texting/messaging either. I need touch, I need to feel the ‘care’. But I guess it’s too much to ask for.

I attempted to talk about some of my problems to my younger son but I stopped because I don’t want him burdened down with my mess. He just started his own little life & has a family now, he has enough worries.

After everything I’ve been through, where do I go now? How do I go on? Who the hell do I turn too? Yes I chose to be single & divorced. But had I known I’d end up losing everyone & being completely alone, I may have never left. But that doesn’t sound fair to the other party though.

I had a dream the other night & when I woke up & realized it wasn’t real I started crying my eyes out. There was a man in my dreams & I could feel he actually wanted me. I was happy, it was intensely romantic. Not really a wet dream, more like a dream of what I want to feel & it’s not just sex. The way he stared into my eyes, saying what I want to hear but he only spoke with his eyes. Understand? Caressing the side of my face making me feel that I was his girl. Such a powerful feeling.

Why do I need to fill that void so badly? Why do I have to wish or beg for it?

Why do any of us struggle with the same type of things all the time? I mean do any of us really really really know who we are? I look at myself in the mirror on occasion & search for an understanding of what it is about me that keeps me from being truly wanted. I don’t get it.

We portray ourselves as a type of person, but are we just choosing parts of others that we like & just putting it all together to create our self? I don’t want to keep feeling like this, I want someone to take it away or at least teach me how to cope with it better. Telling me I need to do this or that doesn’t solve the problem deep down, just masks it only for a short while.

I can have any man I want & it can be a different one every night of the week. My inbox stays full but that’s not what I want. I don’t want to date 100 men to only find out they only want sex, you know what I mean? That’s all anybody wants anymore. Watch tv with me for crying out loud, show me you’re normal. I know by ignoring I have no idea what I’m passing up. But at the same time I can’t help but think ‘do they know what they’re passing up by not being consistent’? But oh well, I won’t answer anyway lol.

Anyway I wrote this because sometimes it helps me to try to understand myself since I can’t ever talk it out or cry it out.

Well my eyes are finally heavy now so maybe I can sleep. I wish I had all the answers. I wish someone would be willing to drop everything & come to my aid but it won’t happen.

So….goodnight/good morning to all of you!

Lori

 

Here I go…..

Good morning people!! It’s a pretty day but it’s cold out there here in Georgia this morning, to me anyways lol. There’s still a tad bit of snow laying around, it’ll be gone soon. I just wish it would quit getting below freezing at night.

I’m getting so in love with myself more & more everyday. It’s took me nearly 42 years to do so though. The more I do the more people & things I remove from my life. They’re no longer beneficial to my life. Aggravation from simple things can trigger me to sink into my little self pity depression moments which could last for awhile. This past year more than any I think I have seen & met & known some of the most cold-hearted people ever. They will do whatever they possible can to stab you in the back then hug you & tell you they love you….???? That’s f’ked up! Fake people suck.

I sit alone most of the time now. I’m kinda okay with it for the most part. It’s peaceful not having fake, annoying people around me who’s only purpose is to screw me over somehow. Some of these people are still on my Facebook friends list too. They all of sudden don’t interact with me but they don’t unfriend me, hmmmm? Hell I’ll clean up my friends list one of these days lol.

It is rewarding to me to wake up, cook breakfast, hop on my computer & write. Then I’ll shower & proceed with my day. It is very nice & I want it to remain like this. It’s what I want.

You know I have to say that some people seem to think I’m not so bright or capable of much. Just because I don’t tell every little detail of my life doesn’t mean I’m not. I’ve had it rough as you know, I’ve wrote about it. But I don’t give up, I keep fighting. And I fight alone so how could I not be smart enough or capable of making it? A lot of women are well….pussies so to speak. They couldn’t handle a day inside of my life. I’m not better than them but I am stronger & wiser & pretty damn tough. Life has made me tough as hell but when depression hits I feel so weak it’s sickening & it pisses me off because that’s one thing I can’t control. And I have to control everything, I’ve always been that way. My ex used to get so pissed because I was always independent in every area. I wouldn’t share a bank account or my money. I am very stubborn so I had to do everything by myself. My momma taught me that for 18 years….it stuck with me.

I don’t even wish for a rich man because that means he’ll control it all & I don’t think so. I’d rather work for my own money & crawl up on my motor fighting to get that damn oil cap off by myself! Sorry I don’t know why I’m saying all this haha, not really where I was headed at all lol.

There’s a few things that I have to get done & soon. Mainly at this point I have to make it to a dentist really bad. I’m not in serious pain yet but it’s coming, I’ve done been down this road before. I dread it though, I hate dentists. Every time I walk into a dentist office I immediately start trembling all over & it won’t stop until I leave lol. But I gotta suck it up & toughen up on that area. Plus I gotta get my eyes checked, I can’t hardly see.

But the here I go title is just me striving to keep pushing myself. I won’t stop until I’m where I want to be. And I’m not really setting goals that are out of my reach either, I’m not stupid. If I hit the lottery then okay I’ll do some crazy stuff but in reality I’m only working towards writing & traveling. I don’t want to be tied down to any job & just barely make it from week to week, to me that’s just dumb. Yes it’s part of life but a part I can’t stand so I have to do this alone or I’ll never appreciate it nor will I make it if it’s not done by me & my way. Everyone’s mind is programmed to work most of their life, come home eat & sleep then right back at it. To me that’s not living life. I tend to look beyond things way further than most people even can.

I know I’m a bit of a handful & kinda crazy here & there but I do mean well. I am a female so you know..hahaha! But those that leave my life or want to well go ahead, I’ll hold the door open for ya. I’ve learned that most people ain’t who they seem to be anyway, sometimes you find out a little late but you’ll always find out….find out who’s true or who’s just a punk.

I can’t wait to write & post pics & stuff on here & Facebook of the writing & traveling pics, not because I want to say ‘look at me nananabooboo’, I would never do that nor do I think that way. I’ll share because I’ll be proud of myself for never giving up & pushing through to follow my dreams. I’ve never came this close to my dreams before….ever & it feels pretty damn good.

Lori

Deep Soul

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Deserving to be loved and not to have to hide all the precious parts of myself. For I am capable of giving you a reason to live.

Don’t want to wonder if I am cared for. I’ll always be something you will never forget.

Others left me not because of my flaws, but because of my strength, my soul. You and I are miracles that should be admired.

I learned I am not unlovable, it’s the others who were incapable of loving me.

I will say I like you or care for you. If I explain that the passion I feel for you runs deep in my soul, you will run from me.

I am the fucking thunder in your raging storm. Together we are one.

I’ve got you, I’ll help you, I’ll protect you.

Your darkest shadows, your demons you fight, I am there holding them back from you.

I will always want you more than anyone and I would never cause question.

Claim me, I need your rough passion to break my walls so that you can be with me.

I don’t want to have to break my own heart to let you out. Out of my soul.

 

 

Lori 

Reality Sucks

Good morning, well for most I hope it is anyway. It’s just another long, boring, lonely day for me. Eh, I’m getting well used to it though, probably too used to it. I haven’t left my house much the past couple of weeks other than work related due to being broke & I just simply don’t want to be around other people. I’m so sick of fake people it literally makes me sick at my stomach. I’ve had enough of fake friends, being lied to, being stabbed in the back & so forth. Those kind of people make you just stay to yourself, well me anyway.

Reality does suck though. Does for me. I literally have no one that has my back. I don’t have family to turn to or nothing. I have a brother but the last time we spoke was because he sent a f’k you message to me & blamed me for his life. To say the least you know I cussed back. I love him & he is my brother but I’m not responsible for his mistakes or his life. People over the last year & a half have proven to me that there is not really any good people. Everyone is all about themselves….period. They don’t mind at all to walk all over you, stab you in the back, screw your ‘other’, lie, use, etc….. Most people have such cold hearts. I have developed a cold heart right back at them & now even towards others the past few weeks. I’ve never been able to be so mean to total strangers like I am now. I have no patience anymore either…at all. I’ll go off on anybody, cashiers, tellers, slow drivers, etc. I just don’t seem to care anymore. A person can only take being shit on so many times before they start returning the damn favor. Then we become like them..yay, hard not to though.

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I won’t even ask for help anymore or company, always excuses as to why they can’t. No I don’t expect anyone to care for me but sometimes we all need something at one point or another. If people really care about you, they will help without you even knowing. If people really care about you, you won’t have to beg for their presence to be around you. I’ve learned if they always make excuses to avoid you, they don’t want to be around you. Yes people are busy with their own lives but ain’t nobody that damn busy. Shows you what priority you are or are not.

I have applied to several writing jobs lately & I hope I get at least one or two of them. It’s all I want to do anyway. My mind stays full of stuff to write. I hold back from posting because I feel it will drive everybody crazy always seeing posts from Lori Hensley all the time. That’s one reason I tried to do videos but I’m so damn sad all I do is cry in them so I stopped. I’ve even looked at traveling jobs just so I can get away sometimes…from it all. The reality of that & it hurts so bad is that no one would even notice I was gone.

I so bad want to give/show somebody everything I have but when I try I’m shown why I shouldn’t & that sucks. I have never fully given my entire self to anyone my entire life. I wonder what it would be like to be able to. To trust that much. To love that much. I’m so tired of holding myself back & not releasing my full potential. It’s not fair I have to stay hidden.

Last night I went through my facebook & I either deleted or hid the majority of my pictures. Reason for it is because I feel unwanted & disgusting. It hurts & I just simply don’t want to be seen. I’ve never felt like that before, not this bad. When you seek someone’s attention but they’re too busy for others, it makes you feel like shit. It makes you feel unattractive & not good enough. I no longer wish to draw attention to myself because I just don’t feel like I’m good enough for anybody. It’s an awful feeling. I think I may being shutting down instead of getting better. I don’t know. I think being alone bothers me greatly because I used to never be alone, ever. And the fact that almost everyone has screwed me over & lied to me & just done me dirty doesn’t help. I don’t deserve any of it. I’ve never done anything to any of them but yet I apparently appear as a doormat or I have stupid written on my forehead. I just wish I had a person I could depend on fully, someone I can talk to about anything in person of course. It would just be nice once in awhile. But it’s like I don’t exist anymore.

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I’m just tired of trying with people. Tired of being let down. Tired of being lied to. Tired of being took advantage of. Sad thing is, is that most don’t know just how much I know about them. That’s me, I don’t say nothing unless I have to. I keep all the secrets locked away. Also I do that because somewhere under this newly founded cold heart of mine, there is a huge heart that wants to cover up anything anyone has ever done to me. But the new bitch doesn’t give a fuck. But even the bitch still cries herself to sleep, oh well, one day it’ll stop I’m sure.

I’m not the best but when I’m done….I’m done.

Speaking of being done, I’m sick to death of being broke. If I have to find me a sugar daddy well, I just might lol as long as he don’t want no sugar ya know hahaha, just company.

My birthday is this month & I’m sure I’ll be alone again on it. Might not be a big deal to most but I’ve always been big on holidays & birthdays. But oh well. Maybe I’ll get a husband for Christmas…..hahahaha! Nah I’m good, a puppy will be better, it won’t lie to me or cheat on me like all the men do.

I’m working my butt off & soon it will show…hopefully. I plan on when the time comes to buy me another Jeep cherokee. I had one before & I loved it! That way I can give my poor truck a rest & a full tune up from one end to the other because it has a lot of miles & needs a lot of tlc. Plus I wanted it lifted & painted charcoal gray with black rims & have my stereo upgraded. My flow masters on my truck need to be re-welded as well, they’ve broke loose. BUT I will have to install a stereo system in the Jeep too, I can’t drive without my boom lol. Me & my son have a mustang, it’s got problems. We were going to fix it up but realized it’s cheaper to buy another one to share than to fix that one, but it’s in bankruptcy so I can’t sell or do anything with it until that’s done.

I’m just rambling this morning ain’t I LOL? Sorry, I do that when I’m bothered or my feelings are hurt or just feeling like shit about myself, pity party maybe lol.

ALSO, it will probably be one of the first things I do after I get my teeth work done & that is too move!!!!! I want a nicer place that has central heat/air but still close to my sons. Right now I have a rat in my house & it’s been here for a few weeks. I have 3 sticky traps & 3 of those snap rat traps & that little bastard eats everything I put on them without getting caught. He literally will poke his head out, run by my feet, etc. WTH?? lol I still set the traps but I now call him George! haha. He’s a smartass! I don’t even run & scream no more, I’m just like..Hey George! Pathetic I know lol. At least I haven’t seen a snake or a spider in awhile.

Okay well, I spoke what I needed to get off my chest so I will hush for now. Hope y’all have a great day!

Lori

 

House Inspector (naughty)

Mature only-18+only!!! Under 18 is not allowed!

Paula was laying in the couch watching a movie when there was a knock at her door. She wasn’t expecting anyone so she wondered who it could be. She opened the door and to her surprise stood a very good looking man. She asked if she could help him. He said he needed to inspect the house inside and out for the homeowners since she rented the place. He said he’d inspect the outside first then would need to inspect the inside right quick. She said ok with a nervous crack in her voice.

Paula hadn’t been with a man in so long she almost forgot what it was like. She thought to herself why am I thinking of sex with him and laughed to herself. She waited and finally he knocked again. She opened the door and turned to walk back to the couch and told him make himself at home. The inspector..’Todd’, said ok thanks as he watched her walk staring hard at her ass. Paula had no idea but if she did she would’ve attacked him right there.

Todd got done with the rest of the house and had the living room to go and he’d be done. Paula sat up and apologized for being all lazy like. He chuckled and said don’t mind me, you look real good laying there all comfy. Paula smiled, then realized he just said she looked good….omg she thought! She couldn’t speak another word, she just sat there staring at him. He kept glancing at her and caught her several times lol. He sat down beside her on the couch and asked if she minded, of course she said no lol. He was flipping through paperwork and he asked her if she was single. Paula could feel her heartbeat pounding her body. She said yes I am single unfortunately. Todd looked at her and smiled and said well it’s not unfortunate for me. Paula about fell off her couch.

He asked questions and she answered some. He started to leave saying well I guess I will get out of your house before you kick me out. Paula blurted out, you could stay all day and I wouldn’t mind. Todd sat his stuff down and walked back over and sat down really close to her. He asked her are you sure because I really want to stay? She was shaking because his leg was touching her leg, she finally said yes.

He turned a little toward her and stared into her eyes….she was falling apart. He told her all the beautiful nothings every girl wants to hear. Then leaned in to kiss her, she kissed back. They kissed slow and passionately then kissed a little deeper. Paula pulled back and said I’m sorry I don’t even know you. Todd caressed her face and said you do now. He touched her thigh and Paula freaked on the inside because her pussy immediately got soaking wet. She couldn’t stop it. She couldn’t stop what they started, there was no way.

Paula had on just a tank top and loose shorts, no panties, no bra. Todd got in the floor in front of her. He could tell she was nervous and softly told her to relax. She laid back on the couch and Todd grabbed her legs and pulled her toward him. He kissed her thighs all over. He kissed her pussy through her shorts several times. Paula was watching him and she was speechless. He gently slid her shorts aside, smiled and said mmmm no panties. Paula smiled back. He kissed her pussy all over gently. Licked her pussy lips then flickered his tongue on her clit ever so lightly. Paula thought she was gonna die from the pleasure.

Todd slowly ran his tongue in between her lips and slowly come to sucking on her pussy, sucking her clit harder. He slipped his tongue inside her very wet pussy, licking it all up. He went on for about an hour it felt like to Paula but it was fine by her. He slowly made his way up kissing her stomach then sucking each breast so softly, it was making her nuts it felt so good. Kissing her neck, nibbling her ears then kissing her mouth again. Paula was touching his chest and rubbing his thighs. Todd stood up and took off everything but his boxers and Paula could see the man was damn packing! She was actually a little afraid lol but wanted it to hurt so good. He pulled her to set up on the edge of the couch. He pulled his boxers down and his huge dick so hard was there in her face. Paula told him he was gorgeous as she wrapped her hand around his dick.

Paula slowly began sucking on him up to a faster point where he had his hands on the back of her head, carefully but stroking in and out of her mouth. They were both very in tune with one another. What Paula didn’t know was that Todd hadn’t been with anyone in awhile either after his last breakup. He was nervous too but she never seen it.

Todd stood Paula up in front of him and was sliding his dick on her wet pussy while wildly kissing her. Todd laid her down on the couch and jumped right on top of her saying I want to feel you as he was putting the tip inside of her. She was wet and warm and snug. Todd almost lost his senses at that point because she felt so good. He pounded her for awhile before sitting back and letting her ride him and damn could she ride he thought. She grinds better than he’s ever had a woman to do before. He couldn’t get enough of her. Paula climbed up and put her pussy in his face while grabbing his hair and started grinding on his face. Todd loved it and thought where the hell has this been all my life?

They moved into her bedroom. Todd had her legs pinned up high and pounded her until she squirted her juices all over his dick, then he released and cummed with her! He fell on the bed beside her, cleaned up and they both passed out. They woke up about an hour later laughing and cuddling up to each other. Todd was fingering her while she was kissing on his neck making her wet again. She grabbed his dick and started stroking him until he was rock hard. They 69 for a little bit before Paula was being pounded doggy style. The second time was a quickie and then they were starved after all that hard work from fucking each other. Plus Paula could barely walk……

They ended up becoming a couple and the sex only got wilder from that point!!!

Lori