Trying To Understand..Me

Hey everybody, I hope y’all are having a great day! Mines okay,I’m off work today. I know I haven’t been writing everyday. It’s hard too when I work a full time job & I think I may have a touch of depression or just having trouble coping with my new life. I still cry at night because there is no one at home to hold me at night & that seems to be my hardest time is when I go to bed. It so lonely & quite. No significant other, no kids, just my animals & me. I’ve never been faced with being alone. I guess that’s why it seems so hard. Not only do I deal with the loneliness but It’s all the other stuff as well. Like my job which is horrible but I cant afford to quit & can’t find anything to match the pay. My job literally is killing my body because it is manual labor. I have nerve problems here & there because of it & it sucks & will probably never get better.

I barley make enough to just make it. I have friends that don’t have money problems & can buy this & that & I find myself envying them but I shut that feeling down because that will only make it worse for me, just sitting around wishing. I don’t want nobody’s money, just their friendship & to love me & give a damn about me. But in reality there is only a few that really do.

I rented a house with a big yard because I have dogs. But this house does not have central heat & air. I honestly thought it wouldn’t be this bad but it is. I about roasted during the summer & now I’m freezing to death. I have small heaters but they run up the power bill & I don’t trust them being on when I’m asleep or not home. I have a fireplace but no money to buy wood. My good friend gave me a kerosene heater but it will be a few weeks before I can buy a can & kerosene. I won’t tell my friend that due to embarrassment of being broke. It sucks. I’m working really hard at trying to learn how to blog & vlog on youtube to make extra money. It’s really harder than most people think. It takes a lot of guts & studying to do either, especially vlogging, there is so much technical stuff involved. I want it bad tho, so I know I will make someday. It’s just that being in the spot I’m in right now makes it hard for me to look into the future.

Not having someone around all the time is so lonely. I do have a special friend that comes to see me once in awhile when he can, but even at that there is still a lot of time I’m alone. I can’t & don’t expect him to be here 24/7 because we don’t have a relationship like that. It would be nice tho. If I had to choose someone right now I would choose him, he takes away my stress & I forget problems for a little while. To me he is the opposite of every man I’ve ever known. But in my defense, I constantly look for what in the world is wrong with him that I am not seeing yet lol. Not that there is something but because other mens true colors have shown brightly at me & burnt me. But at the same time I’ve had my heart ripped apart & honestly I don’t think I’m strong enough to be hurt again. I’m not saying he would just saying I don’t want to go though it again. I sometimes wish there was a male friend that could literally ‘spend’ the night once in awhile with no sex expected or anything. Why a male? Because I get along better with them & I need a man for some things around the house that I can’t do. But that’s just wishful thinking I guess. Haha.

My next posting will be a blog about the first time I was with another female. Yes it’s hot as usual lol. I’ve been running it through my head trying to remember all the details, I don’t want to leave anything out. I’m going to try to get it on here tonight if I can. I do gotta make cupcakes for my buddies at work & wash & iron my hair haha,so hopefully I can get back on here & share that hot ass story with all of you. I wish more people were open about their lives because why hide it? Your only going to take it to your grave. You don’t go down in history being goody goody, but being yourself you do. People love hearing & reading about anything, why not about You.

Thanks for reading!

Lori

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