Hey Y’all. Yes here I am in one of my moods…writing & I said I would not do that anymore but I have no one to talk to really. If I don’t know people good enough I can’t talk about my junk. I still won’t really say what all is going on, on here either.
I talked about it before in one of my other posts about hardening my heart. Well I have somewhat but not enough. People have been mean to me today….several times….by several different people. And you know what sucks about it? I haven’t done a damn thing wrong to none of them to get the disrespect I received today. I’m not rude to no one until they’re rude to me. I do no one wrong in any way shape, form, or fashion. I don’t make fun of people. I try not to bother anyone that don’t won’t nothing to do with me if they make me feel that way. I don’t understand it though, why people push me away. I think I’m a fairly good person to be honest. My opinion is I’m probably too damn good for the assholes I deal with & they can’t handle me. People tell me all I pick is horrible people but I don’t know I’ve got some pretty good friends in my life right now, not many but a few I wouldn’t trade for nothing. I know some are bad choices though.
I was literally made fun of today by a couple of people. They made fun of how my body looks & it hurt me really bad. Really rude comments were made & it made me cry. And a couple of other people just chose to flat out ignore me, which hurts as well. I don’t know why, whatever. It’s funny how in one day I’m tossed away like a piece of trash.
And all that is why I want to just have a stone heart so I can’t feel anymore damn pain. I don’t wanna feel. I don’t wanna get attached, I just wanna disappear sometimes.
Not only do I have these financial problems from hell & dealing with being alone all the time, I now have these comments & mean, rude ass people going through my head. I’m already insecure about my body anyways and none of the above helps, just makes it worse. I don’t even wanna wear my normal skimpy ass clothes. I went and looked through my closet for clothes that cover me up better. I can’t find none that fit, they’re all my fat clothes I’ve kept in case I gain my weight back. I normally don’t give a fuck what people think but I’m an emotional wreck right now and it really bothers me.
Also I keep having panic attacks. I had one earlier, it wasn’t as bad but they suck ass. I feel like I’m spinning out of control or something or maybe everything seems worse because I have to deal with so much by my damn self. Those that have said they’ll do this or that for me…ain’t done shit! Just lies. And how can people make other people feel one way then treat them like shit?
I don’t know how long it will take me to learn what I’m studying for but once it’s complete..I’m outta here. I’m fucking leaving & letting my house go & putting my junk in storage. So, those that don’t want me around will win, I’m leaving. It’s not my loss for people pushing me away…it’s their damn loss, one day they’ll miss my ass when they can’t find somebody to run the fuck all over. Yea, I’m kinda mad & hurt all at the same time. Not to mention stressed the hell out. I can’t buy groceries or get rent caught up or nothing. That’s why I made that gofundme account. I’m still embarrassed of it though lol. I can’t help it.
Anyway I’m gonna get back to watching my ‘Orange is the new black’ show. Hopefully it will get my mind off of shit & people. Y’all have a good night.
Love ya, Lori