I was out & about quite a bit today. I came dragging in at home around midnight. What I was doing or where I was or who I was with is not important. But during the drive home I couldn’t help but think why the hell am I so depressed? I mean I come & go as I please, I do whatever whenever the hell I want. I should be happy as hell I can run damn wild. Regardless of money or assholes I deal with, I really should be happy & having the time of my fucking life!
I cranked up the radio & I tried to really process what the hell is wrong. I know what it is…I do. It’s several things that eat at me everyday all day long. For one, I care to damn much for a person that wouldn’t give me the time of day or barely even think of me. 2nd, money or lack of. 3rd, I hate being alone at night. 4th, my current living situation which y’all know I’ve wrote about it over & over. I’m thinking I need some serious ass changes to be done. I’m single & free & I think I should live as such & be happy. I’ve been so depressed it’s made me like…lazy I guess you could say? I stopped working at making money online with the blog & vlog because I just simply can’t get out of bed. I force myself to go to work, clean my house, fix myself up, etc. I’m realizing just how stupid I’ve been at letting certain people & the other shit get to me. To hell with all of it & them. I have literally allowed this to happen to me. It’s my fault, not the situations or the lame sorry ass people that have hurt me or done me wrong simply because I allowed it all. I will SHINE again!
The way I see it is if anybody really wants me to still be in their life they better prove it to me because I’m done, I’m done with the bullshit, I’m done with being treated like shit, & I’m done being made to feel like I am a nothing. This is my damn life & I don’t deserve to be treated like I am nor do I HAVE to put up with my current living situation or anything else, I’m in charge period. I have no idea what I’m going to do about it but I will change it all to better myself. At least I have a very general idea of what is killing me, now I just have to work on fixing it all somehow.
I think its funny though how people approach me & think they know me. Some think I’m nothing but a whore just because of the naughty stories I write. All y’all that think that are wrong on that one because I’m not even close to being a whore I just love to write them there stories. Some think I’m shy & quite…hahaha. Some think I’m lying about everything I write…wrong again. Some think I’m mean..I am, to those that treat me like shit, cross me & I can show you what bitch means. And so on & so on..blah blah blah. Truth is no one really knows me or gets me. I write a lot of personal things about me on here but trust me there’s a shit ton I tell no one about myself. No one wants to know me well enough so I don’t talk about the real me. When you get used & walked all over you just stop opening up at some point.
But anyway, I want to be happy I really do. I have no idea where to start or what to do but I’m going to start trying my best to focus on it the best I can. I feel like I need a break but I think I should start paying more attention to myself than others & the stack of bills & the job. I honestly had to make myself take care of my ‘business’ the other night. I needed the release but I just didn’t wanna. No one is here enough to really realize just how sad & shit I am. When I’m around someone I hide it the best I can but my girlfriend can notice even if I’m smiling & she’s the only one that has done that. She told me once a while back she can see it in my eyes.
Somehow, Someway, Someday I will overcome it all.
Well I’m going to bed so goodnight people. It’s been a long day but had a good ending 😀