It’s been about a week since I’ve wrote anything. I hesitated to write this actually. I woke up early this morning because I passed out early last night. My job kicks my ass and I’m absolutely mentally and physically drained. So much chaos is going on.
First of all, my ex husbands mother who was basically my second mom for over 20 years is deathly sick. Doctors said yesterday there’s nothing else they can do and sending her home with hospice. Rips my heart out of my chest. She looks so pitiful and weak. I wish God would intervene and heal her but if it’s meant for her to go home, he’s going to take her home. I don’t want her suffering at all. But I don’t want her to go!! Losing my mom still affects me everyday. That’s when my depression started. And I feel bad for my ex husband because I know it hurts to the core.
Second, the reason I’ve backed off from writing is because there are a quite few people who take my blog completely wrong. I know it’s sexual but there’s not anywhere do I say I want or need a bunch of strangers doing the things I write about to me. And they say ‘I’ll do that for you baby, just let me know’, ‘You shouldn’t be deprived’, ‘All you have to do is ask’……They’re stories and that’s all. They’re not a cry for sexual help. Please understand that. It kinda pisses me off because if they’d actually read everything they’d know that. So they have irritated me to the point I can’t even open up my damn account to write. Whatever, I’ll get over it. I guess when I do write again, I’ll wait for those that do that and just remove them from here and facebook or wherever they’re from. *I get what I need and when I can’t get it, I’m more than capable of taking care of myself*.
5 am and I’m soaking in the tub lol. My body hurts so bad from work though. I’m hunting for another job so I can quit the horrible one I do have. I know all of them have their quirks but this one is by far the worst job and the worst people I’ve ever worked with. I mean my own boss is a backstabbing liar…and has all the upper big dogs wrapped around his finger so that he can keep himself and others from getting fired. There’s basically nothing that can be done. It’s bullshit. I can’t wait to get away from there an I ain’t going back, I’d rather work in a restaurant again than to be there.
My mental and emotional status is still pretty much the same. Maybe even a little worse because of ex mother n law being sick. I still haven’t ruled out giving up. I’m still researching how to live and make it affordable to live out of a camper. I’m sick of struggling every single day. I’m over it!
One minute I’m glad I’m single and want to be alone then the next minute I want a man of my own…my own. I’m so fucked up lol. I’m kinda loving the freedom but at the same time I can’t share anything with anyone. And I can’t just run up and hug and cuddle when I want too. Some things like that are still hard to work around.
I do hope y’all have a good day! And I’ve been sharing my gofundme account for help not to annoy anyone I promise. I’m in a pickle and there’s no sight of hope for me to get out. BELIEVE me I hate asking for help and I’m highly embarrassed but I’ve come to the realization that I gotta swallow my pride and ask. Thanks for reading and visiting my blog!
P.S. Enjoy life, don’t let life do to you what I’ve allowed it to do to me.