Off in my own little world..

I’ve been pretty quite for a few days. At home, work, and online. Sometimes I just need to get away. Sometimes when your’re quite you learn a lot too. I’m not saying anyone doesn’t care about me but only those that do will notice I’m quite and something is wrong. Others just don’t give a shit which means they didn’t care in the first place. But sometimes going through stuff shows you who is really there for you.

Not being quite for attention LOL in case you thought that. To me it’s, I get wrapped up in things and people thinking I mean something then get smacked in the face realizing I don’t, so I take a step back to shake it off. May be confusing to you but it makes perfect sense to me. I don’t want to be somewhere I shouldn’t be and I don’t want to be around people that don’t really want me around. I will not force anything or anyone to have something to do with me.

I think since I’ve been single I attach to those people I do have more than anyone else. And it causes me to think I’m something special when in reality I’m no different than anybody else. I know, it sounds like a pity party lol but it’s not. I just only want those around me that WANT to be around me and have the things that’s meant for me. Why? Because I have had enough fake relationships no matter what the relationship is that are fake as can be and I’ve had enough of all the hell life throws at me. Honestly I think sometimes God wants me to be alone to find peace on my own and not in people or things. Then again it could be that there’s just really that many assholes out there and I’m a broke individual hahaha!

So what do I do about it all?….(me shrugging my shoulders & rolling my eyes)…I dunno…lol. 🤔🙄😂

Somehow things will get better. I think a good start would be to find another job….period. I absolutely despise the one I have and it just makes everything suck. When you go unappreciated for so long, you just stop giving a damn. The biggest reason I haven’t found another job is because there ain’t nothing much other than the kind of job I’m doing out there that pays somewhat decent. If I hate what I’m doing, I’m damn sure not going to work elsewhere doing the same frigging thing.

I’ve sat around long enough feeling like I don’t matter and ain’t good enough. Regardless if I still feel that way, I’m gonna attempt to ignore it. Don’t like me? Leave. Don’t want me? Leave. I ain’t enough? Leave. I don’t care anymore, I’ve lost so many people since I went from having everything to barely eating over the past year & a half that I could care less. Like I said it shows you who is really there for you and apparently I need to choose better people.

I may not have much going for me at the moment but someday someone will love everything about me that others take for granted and will never let me go. Just the way I am will be enough to keep just one persons attention on me and only me, no secrets, no lies, no cheating no more, no mind games ever again.

No I don’t search at all. All anybody is really looking for is ‘situationships’ not relationships. And omg apparently social media is nothing other than hooking up, makes me sick. I myself can’t hardly post anything without someone commenting something about how I need them or my messenger will blow up as soon as they see a post. I ain’t nobody’s damn baby-they don’t pay my bills! I tried yesterday to share shit and interact but within no time there went the messages and then I see shit on my wall that makes my blood boil. Tired of it. Me-angry?…nope, more like fed up.

Alright, I’m gonna hush before I say more junk I shouldn’t.



Good Monday Morning


Not so good for me this morning…I’ve been up and down half the night with a bad headache and sick at my stomach, I’m guessing the headache was making me sick. So I’m not at work which sucks, another set back. There’s just no way I could leave the house right now, I barely made it back and forth to the bathroom all night lol. It’s funny how I hardly ever get a head cold but I’ll get headaches straight from hell with stomach problems. Ugh…. Hopefully I’ll start feeling better soon and shake this off.

Basically I just wanted to share some sayings that speak to me or about me today. I’m thinking of making a post with some favorite memes but it may make a huge post haha. I’m not sure if that would be a good post or not. It’s just that sometimes those memes can say what you need to hear or say what you need to say. I love memes. I downloaded an app where you can make your own memes and it’s pretty cool. You just pick a background and say what’s on your heart or mind, and the app puts it together and saves it so you can send or share to wherever.

Something that is on my heart….several people uplift me but what they don’t understand is they don’t really know me. I’m just me, I’m not anything above that and my ‘me’ is apparently not good enough. And the reason I say that is because if I was good enough, every man that was mine at one time would have kept me………..would have done anything to never lose me, would not have cheated on me or mistreated me or fed me nothing but lies if I was something so special. I don’t consider myself all that great anymore. Not being a debbie downer just speaking the truth of how I feel.

I read something somewhere about how other people see you totally different than how you view yourself. Confuses me. I stood in front of the mirror the other day without makeup on and without my hair all fixed up. All I see is a woman who looks stressed and is aging. I don’t see the cute spunky girl I used to see anymore. I examined myself from head to toe. I said out loud everything I see that’s ugly. Sunspots from tanning. Wrinkles from worrying. Ugly bad teeth from a gum thing the dentist said would end my teeth. Too skinny. Chest and butt not built, not much there. Frizzy hair when not tamed. Chubby belly. Just out of shape/tone. What I don’t get…is all of that is what I have going for me and yet people still say I’m beautiful. I do not see it. Why don’t I see it??? Do any of you ever feel like this?

The only thing I feel that is good about me is I will not cheat. I will not steal. I will not use someone. I don’t lie on people. I may call some out on their shit because I have no filter and absolutely no tolerance for BS and lies.

So now I’m trying to figure out how to stop feeling this way and maybe I can see whatever the hell others are seeing. I just don’t feel like I’m good enough, pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough and so on to turn heads or for someone to really be into me. I’m NOT looking for sympathy, I’m looking for answers and understanding. I know I’ve been depressed and that’s probably took a toll on how I feel.

I actually have been on the other end of this. I’ve told people how great they are and they rejected the compliments just like I’m doing now, and I didn’t understand then why they didn’t see what I seen in them. It boggles my poor mind. I need to quit thinking so much lol.

Favorite Sayings: (some)

*I don’t claim these as mine, not sure who authors are*

‘My soul is stained by everyone who recklessly spilled their contents’

‘The ones who love you will never leave you’

‘When you date a real man you get,”Let’s go, lets do it” instead of…”You didn’t text me first and I was busy”……..

‘Nothing is nicer than having someone who appreciates you in the smallest things’

‘Never put them first if you always come last’

‘You can’t love someone into loving you’

‘If someone treats you like an option, narrow their choices by removing yourself’

‘Some people will go to great lengths to gain your trust just so they can turn around and play you’

‘People make time for who they want to make time for…period’

‘Guys are like bras, they hook up behind your back’

‘Gut feelings do not lie, if you think you’re being done wrong, you probably are’

Anyway, that’s just some of them. I have tons more lol. I wish I had the money to take a drive if I ever get rid of this headache. I hate a damn headache with a passion. Makes it hard to stare at computer and write to and that’s all I want to do.

Well I’m fixing to eat what I had fixed for my lunch for work. Since I couldn’t go to work there ain’t no sense in it being wasted lol. Maybe with food and medicine and a nap it’ll ease off my headache….I hope!

Have a great day!!!!



What is peace?

Do you truly know? I’d say none of us truly do understand it really. But I do know what brings me calmness when I need it.

Sitting on my front porch drinking my coffee in the cool mornings is very relaxing for me. Sometimes I just sit in my comfy spot in my bed for awhile and either write or netflix it. Listening to my music and dancing around is a whole nother level of relaxing to me. Music takes me to a place nothing or no one else can.

Today I found a getaway spot in my local town at a recreational dept. I walked a track a good ways and found a bench. It’s away from everything and everyone, just how I like it. I reckon I’m a loner, always looking for quiet time and searching for areas away from people. It is nice right here on my bench… I claimed it lol. I’m sitting here now writing this enjoying the hell out of it.

What are some things or places that take you to your personal peace? Relaxes you?

I learned at a very young age to find peace. All the hells I’ve been in and through, I had to. That’s where writing and reading everything I could get my hands on originated. It was an escape to another world for me, from my own. I still today love getting caught up in a book to the point I forget time and troubles.

If you normally don’t read, try it once. Start with a short book and just try. Those that have never really got lost in a book don’t understand the peace it can bring. It’s ten times better than a movie. Maybe read a book on one of your favorite movies, I promise it will be a ton more exciting, movies don’t capture all the details and excitement like the book does. Just give a try.

I’m gonna sit here a little longer and enjoy my new spot. Wish I brought a book lol. I will next time!


Good Morning

I’m going to share a small part of one of my books I have picked back up to finish. It’s from chapter 2. The name of the book is ‘Alone’, (funny how when I started this book, I didn’t know I’d be alone today…). Anyway, the main character is Luke and he lives with his parents who are cruel sorry ass parents. Luke begins his own life journey to better himself and finds him a lady.

I will share it below. But first, I hope everyone has a great day today. I’m not sure what I’ll get into lol. May mow, may clean, may just snuggle up and netflix it all day haha. I love seeing the daylight, for some reason the past 2 nights I have had it pretty damn rough. The night before I woke up from a dead sleep around 1:30-2 am frightened like hell and having a panic attack. Last night I slept good but it took me forever to go to sleep. I guess somewhere around 5-6 pm I started feeling down. I tried shaking it off but I couldn’t. I didn’t have no attack but I couldn’t stop crying and I was freaking out about everything….maybe that was an attack, I don’t know. It finally left me real late and I passed out lol. Hopefully today I won’t have to deal with that shit. It’s rough going through it alone, but honestly I don’t know what anyone could do for me because I can’t even stand my own presence during them lol. It’s weird, sometimes I just feel bad and sorry about everything, then the next time I just don’t give a fuck and ready to fight. Beats me, I’ll make it…eventually.

So I’m inserting a part of chapter 2 from ‘Alone’ here:

Luke rolled over and looked at his clock and seen that it was 10 o’clock. He jumped up and thought about Jenny immediately because he was worried she was going to be harassed at school because of her leaving with him yesterday. He changed his shirt and socks, grabbed his book bag, kicked the chair from out in front of the door that was keeping his parents out. When Luke opened the door, Jack his dad was standing there like an old mad grizzly bear drunk out of his mind. Luke just stood there and trembled. Jack came toward Luke and shoved him backwards causing him to fall on the floor. Luke tried to escape but Jack had straddled him and started smacking and punching Luke’s head. Jack stood up, Luke rolled onto his side to get up then Jack kicked Luke a couple of times in the back. As Jack started to leave Luke’s room, he turned and said, ‘maybe from now on you’ll get up and go to school or go find a job you sorry piece of shit. I don’t want you around here anymore. I didn’t even want you, you were an oops’. Then he left the room yelling Alma..Alma! Fix me some food!. 

Luke laid there in the floor quietly crying to himself and wondering if anything was broke because his back was hurting so bad from Jack kicking him. He rolled over onto his back staring at the ceiling wondering what he ever did wrong for his parents to just hate him so bad. He wondered how to get out of the house, for good. Luke laid there in that floor for a long time before he got up. He thought of Jenny and how did her day go. He had to leave and get away from his parents somehow. It was hours since Jack beat him and he had been laying in the floor. Luke slowly got up, grunting because of his sore back. He reached under his bed and pulled out an old duffle bag, put what clothes he had in it and a couple of his grandparents pictures. They did love him but Luke was very young when they died so he barely remembers them. He snuck into the living room and took a thin throw blanket. He grabbed his comb and toothbrush, and small tube of toothpaste. He started to go back into his room when he noticed his parents left their bedroom door open, he could hear Jack snoring, Luke sat down what he had in his hands by his door. He slowly and quietly walked toward his parents room. He got to the door and peaked in and saw they were both sound asleep. Luke looked around the room for Alma’s purse and Jack’s wallet. Jack’s wallet was on the dresser. He reached out slowly and grabbed it, opened it up and pulled out a wod of cash and crammed it in his pocket and laid the wallet back down. Luke seen his mom’s purse laying in the floor on her side of the bed. Luke quietly walked over to the purse, grabbed it and her car keys hit the floor. Luke stopped dead in his tracks. Alma rolled over but didn’t wake up. Purse in hand, Luke left the room. He picked up what he had sat down by his door and went back into his room. 

Luke dumped her purse onto his bed. There was pill bottles and a bag of weed or so he assumed since he hadn’t actually seen weed before. He opened her wallet and it was empty. He noticed a white envelope laying there in her purse contents. He picked it up and opened it and there was and even bigger wod of cash and a food stamp card with a piece of paper wrapped around it that had the pin number to it. Luke chuckled and thought how lucky am I? He stuck the whole envelope in his duffle bag and a few other things, zipped it up, climbed out his window for fear of waking his parents up. 

Luke thought about looking back as he was walking away from the house but couldn’t think of any good reason to. He didn’t ever want to go back let along……………………

Let me know what you think please. I like the story and I think it’s going to be a good book. I just wish I had more time to write though.

Have a great day!


Just be you

Hey there everyone! I hope y’all had a great day yesterday & you do today as well. Thankful I’m employed but damn I need a vacation. My hands & fingers are cramping because I don’t have a pansy ass job lol, just saying.

Have you ever just sat & thought very deeply about yourself, your life, people & things in your life? It’s all I’ve been doing the past couple of days. I honestly have too much time on my hands. I think & read & research way too damn much. I can’t help it when that’s all I have to do. I study people like crazy. You can learn a lot about someone if you just pay attention & be quite. I learn more than I should I’m sure. I can’t help it, it’s well, I don’t know what it is really but I can’t stop. It causes me to turn on a person real quick especially when the dirt is bad or is hidden, then comes out. I have a shit ton of screenshots & info… I’m just gonna leave that there lol.

Anyway hehe, yes I’m a bitch but only when I’ve gotta be. I normally try to see the good in people & I’ll literally give them chance after chance. But when I reach that point to where they’re annoying me or are never gonna change or have done me wrong over & over, I’ll drop them & they won’t even realize it. My life=My happiness, if you can’t add happiness to it then be gone.

I will be myself until I die. I don’t really give 2 shits who likes me or not anyore. I’m not changing or pretending to be something I’m not for anyone, that’s what them fake bitches do, they gotta maintain that fake image instead of having a real image. I’m not a girly girl & will never be. I’m more of a tomboy with a twist haha.

You know it’s hard to maintain being yourself these days, so much drama & craziness. You just have to take a step back, take a breath & begin again.

I’m living a lonely life but it’s my life now, just mine. I’ve struggled with it for over a year now. When you’ve never been alone….it is a big punch in the gut of fear, mixed emotions, confusion, hurt, & so on & so on. I’m still making it somewhat. Every single day I wake up, I have to force myself to get up & pick myself up from the day befores pain. It ain’t easy. I think I may be learning how to cope rather than getting past this junk, I don’t know. Either or, I’ve been examining everything that’s causing me misery & it’s about time to do some changing.

Being myself is something I do everyday. If no one likes just little ole me, so be it, bye… I don’t have to impress one damn soul out there. I no longer give a damn about keeping it real with anyone that causes me to question them. I hate a fucking liar more than anything. I’ve been lied to, cheated, done wrong, ignored, used, annnnd always picked last pretty much all of my life, & lying to myself as well. Tried to convince myself that certain people care, wrong. They don’t & never did. Now I no longer care.

I’m not angry, I’m done. Done with all the bullshit. I literally won’t believe you if you tell me the sky is blue without checking. Words don’t mean shit, it’s the actions that tell on people. I’m far from stupid & I can see right through most people’s bullshit. Sickening what you learn or find out about them.

Being just me & being alone keeps me sane & keeps me from getting hurt any further. I don’t deserve what people have done to me or done behind my back & they walk around thinking I don’t know. But that’s how I am, if needed I’ll reveal my info, if not I won’t. But I’ll never have another thing to do with those people.

Well I’m off to work at my other job today. Have a great day.





I didn’t want to write a story on this one, just the juicy parts.

These are short wants & needs this woman is seeking from her man. Telling him in detail what she would like for him to do to her body.

Wants & Needs:

Pull me close to you & wrap your arms around me tight. Kiss my neck, then my lips. As I wrap my arms around your neck, you stroking my hair, looking into my eyes.

Slowly undressing me.. Completely. Speaking words on how beautiful I am to you.

Pulling me back to you, softly running your hands down my back and caressing my ass. Touching every part of my body as if it was your first time. Taking it all in.

Hands on both sides of my face while you kiss my lips every so gently.

While I’m still standing, you kiss my neck, kiss the center of my chest then kiss with tongue on each nipple. Kissing down my stomach then kissing each inner thigh, repeatedly closer and closer to my pussy.

Gently kissed my pussy. Sliding your tongue slowly up and down my pussy lips. Then licking and sucking on my clit, running the tip of your tongue all over it.

Laying me on the bed. Spreading my legs with the look on your face that I’m delicious. Putting your tongue inside of me, in and out. Sucking on my entire pussy like your mouth is my tiny vacuum.

Placing your fingers inside me slowly then fast, and faster ’til I cum. Leaving your fingers very wet. You put your mouth back on me and drink up my pussy juice.

Kissing your way back up to my mouth, kissing me deeply, allowing me to taste my pussy with you.

Flipping me over. Caressing my back, my ass, and my legs. Spreading my legs again and raising my bottom up a tad. You put you tongue inside my pussy again, then licked up to my ass. Twirling your tongue around and kissing my ass. You seem to be enjoying yourself, I’m moaning and squirming with pleasure.

You sat me up on the side of the bed. Took off your clothes, your dick is so hard. Placing one of your hands on the side of my face pulling me to you, you put your dick in my mouth. Both your hands on my head while I’m sucking on you, your making very sexy little moans.

Back onto the bed. You over me, kissing me and teasing my pussy with your dick. Slowly you put yourself inside of me until you filled me up. Slowly stroking while caressing my hair and staring into my eyes. You move faster and faster until I’m clinching your arms. I’m so wet. Your so hard. The pleasure is almost unbearable. Mindblowing.

My legs up on your shoulders. You pounding my pussy. We both finish together moaning and sweating. We cuddle up tight together right after and fall asleep.

Until our next encounter, this one will keep me satisfied my dear…….


Lost In Emotion 

I’m a very sensitive person. Lol, bet y’all don’t think that? But really I am, I play hard core which I am mostly but some things get at me….friendships, relationships & my children. 

I honestly don’t focus on friendships or relationships anymore other than the few friends I have left. When your life gets hard, you find out who’ll be there & who’s true. One thing that just really pisses me off is having people you thought were a friend & find out that all along that they was nothing other than they’re two faced idiot. But it happens I guess. They live 2-3 different secret lives at once & eventually we start seeing them all. 

Well it sure is a nice day today in Georgia & I’m off work yay! I’m just taking it easy today, the weekend shift is rough. 3 days=36  hours, should be illegal lol. Been doing that for a little over 4 years & I’m burnt out on it. 

I’m sure hoping for a break sometime soon. A couple of days off just ain’t enough. Whatever or wherever I go for a mini break  I’ll be by myself, don’t want to go to far off from home. 

I’ll be posting a dirty little post later. It’s not necessarily a story, more like a letter from a woman to a man. 

Have a great rest of the day!